Change

I guess you could say I have a good life. I have good parents, a few close friends and I do fairly well in school. I even managed to be one of those people in my year everyone sort of knew. "Oh! Isn't she the gay girl?" Better than nothing I guess. I have more than what some people would ever wish for, so what's wrong?
Well, let's take it from the beginning.


I've never felt right. Every morning when I opened up my eyes I wished I was someone else. I felt like a stranger in my own body, like I didn’t belong anywhere. At first I thought it was because I was adopted, but my biological parents died when I was a baby so I never knew them, never would and I was okay with that. I had always felt more like a guy than a girl. I couldn't explain why, I just did. I never understood why all the other girls made such a big deal out of how they looked and how they dressed. I tried to tag along as best as I could so I wouldn’t seem suspicious. I never told anyone. I hid it away and tried to be a perfect little girl. When I was really young I went to beauty pageants, had ballet lessons and let my mom braid my hair.

I hid it well until I met Paige. Paige was incredible. She was a short, skinny, geek with long brown hair and glasses. She did everything I was too scared to do, she let all her colours show and never changed for anyone. Unfortunately for me, though, she was straight. She didn’t care that her clothes didn’t match and wore oddly paired socks every day. One pink, one yellow. One with dots, one with stripes. She was so confident and comfortable with herself that I almost got jealous, but no matter what I couldn’t help but like her. We had mostly the same interests, although I had always hid them away. We sat together at lunch and talked about our favourite books, movies, TV shows, bands and lord of the rings references. When I got home that day, I told my mom to cancel the ballet lessons and beauty pageants. I was tired of acting all the time and I wanted to play guitar.


My life got better from that point, but I still felt horrible. I still felt strange every time I walked past a mirror. I wanted to change. I wanted to take testosterone so I wouldn't look so feminine, but I was too scared to tell my family. I knew they wouldn’t let me. I always had trouble falling asleep, scared to wake up and realise nothing had changed.


After a few years of practice, Paige and some of her friends made a band. She asked me to join, but I declined. I could see it upset her, but I couldn’t take the thought of me standing on a stage for everyone to see. Something about Paige always made me feel better, though. I didn't know what it was, I just knew that whenever I was around her I felt better. I always watched them practice and I became some sort of unofficial band manager for them. The band got pretty good and we all got really close. None of them cared that was gay or about anything else than the music really. Tyler (the bassist) and the other guys sometimes brought me along when they went out, but Paige always showed up, got bored and wanted to go adventuring. We would do the dumbest things all around the town but it always felt so right. I knew I always looked a bit scared or insecure when I was in public, but not when I was with them.  They made me feel like I was a part of something and I knew I couldn’t hide my secret from them anymore. It was late at night. We sat at the bonfire in Kevin's (the singers) back yard. I took a deep breath and told them everything. I started tearing up as I continued. I told them that I was scared to tell my parents. It had taken them a long time to accept my sexuality and I didn't know how they would react to something this big. They adopted a girl for a reason. As a tear fell down my cheek, Paige leaned up against me, looked at me the biggest grin on her face. Hey, Amy, you know we don’t care, right? Who cares what your gender is, Kevin said. They always knew what to say. If anything happened I could always come to them.


When I got home I sat in my windowsill with my favourite book. It was raining but the shy still looked clear. A shooting star flew across the sky. I wished for the same thing I always did. I wanted to be happy, I wanted to feel normal. I knew it was useless, but who knows, maybe this time my wish might come true.


Saturday morning. I woke up and just like usual, nothing had changed. I stayed in my room for most of the day. My parents were out all weekend so I had the house to myself. I used to do this thing where I would imagine my life as a guy, the things I would do and what it would be like. What clothes I would wear and how I would style my hair. I even had a name. Felix. I wanted something that wasn’t too special, but also not too normal. While doing it I always felt better, happy. I got to escape the living hell I was in, but when I had to go back to reality it felt like hell times a hundred. Another therapeutic thing I liked to do was to actually dress up as a guy. I twisted some fabric around my chest to make it flat and wore loose fitting clothing. I hid my hair in a beanie and contoured my face to make it look more masculine. I got pretty good at it, so when I did it I barely recognised myself, and neither did anyone else. That was the best part really. I could hide in plain sight. I always felt comfortable when I was dressed like that. Once or twice I brought my acoustic guitar to the park and played with my back up against a tree. The best part was when girls stopped and looked at me. They didn’t seem confused or taken back or anything. They seemed happy and a bit surprised. The guys would usually do all kinds of different sports when they were in the park, so it wasn’t normal to see a guy with a book or a guitar just sitting underneath a tree. The last time I did it a girl called Nina came up to while I was playing. She was a grade below me in a school on the other side of town. It was late October, so it was a bit dark when she started talking. She said she had had a bad day and that the music had cheered her up. It was her last day in town. Her parents were getting a divorce and she had to move to the other side of the country. I tried to cheer her up and she ended up crying, telling me a guy had never been so nice to her before. She gave me a hug before she left and said thank you. When she turned her back I had best feeling ever.


I tried to repeat it, but the sequel was not as good as the original. This time I just sat underneath the usual tree with a book and a thermos with hot tea. The park was almost empty. The park was far away from my house, the quickest way to get to it was through the woods. I used to be scared to walk through them alone, but now I know them like I know my left pocket. I had safe spot in there. A tiny little shack that’s extremely hard to find if you don’t know exactly where it is. As I made my way through the woods the rain got heavier until it was a storm. I made it close to my shack and decided to stay there until the storm settled. I was only a few steps away when I saw brightest light I had ever seen and then everything went black.


When I opened my eyes it took me a second to realize where I was. It was dark and my body felt sore. I had a horrible headache and everything felt strange. I tried to get up but my legs felt like rubber so I just stayed on the ground for a bit. I looked up in the stars until I felt better. The sky was beautiful and clear. It seemed like days had passed since the storm happened. I stood up with easy this time. I felt different, taller, bigger. My usually loose clothing felt tighter. It was colder than it should be in should be in early November and when I looked down I saw a thin layer of snow. That's when I started to freak out. Snow wasn't the only thing I was seeing. I pulled off the grey sweatshirt and untangled myself from the fabric covering my chest. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, it was flat and strong. Nothing like the scrawny, skinny thing it used to be. Then I pulled out in my pants and almost fainted. My whole body had changed, I could feel it. I ran as fast as I could down to the pond in the south of the forest. I could still recognise my face, it just looked masculine. I even had a slight stubble. I spent maybe twenty minutes just looking at my own reflection in the dim glow of the moon light, but then I looked back at the snow and decided to go home.


I made my way through the woods, but I got more and more concerned. I wasn’t the only one who had changed. The plants had grown taller and wider and I started to wonder how long I’d been gone. When I got to my house it was empty and my key didn’t work. It was only when I turned around I saw the big For Sale sign. I tried to call my parents but my phone didn’t work. I did the only other thing I could think of, I went to Paige’s house. It was early, the sun was starting to rise as I walked.


Her house was only a few minutes away, so I walked slowly and tried to find a way to explain what had happened. When I knocked on her door my heart was beating faster than it ever had. Why was I so nervous? She’s my best friend. I heard footsteps getting closer. It was her mom who opened the door. “Good morning Mrs. Johnson, is Paige home” I asked. “Yeah” she answered, “let me just get her for you”. I waited outside and tried to control my heartbeat. “You better have a really good reason for waking me this early on a Sunday!” I heard from her room. “There’s a handsome young man at the door” her mom said, and I couldn’t help but giggle a bit. I still wasn’t used to it. I heard footsteps again, this time a little faster and lighter. It was Paige. “Can I help you?” she said when she got to the door. I was a bit taken back, surprised that she didn’t recognise me. She looked older and her hair was longer. “Paige, it’s me” I said, surprised by how low my voice had gotten. “Sorry, I’m not good with names, who are you?” she said with a confused look on her face. “Paige, it’s me, Amy” I said a bit hurt that she still didn’t recognise me. “Yeah, very funny, who sent you? Was it Brad? That asshole!” She looked behind me. I grabbed her shoulders. “FOR GOD’S SAKE PAIGE, IT’S ME!” I yelled as a tear made its way down my cheek. “Look, Amy’s been gone for two years today, she’s probably dead and I really don’t need this right now.” She said still looking behind me. “Can you please just look at me?” I asked as I let go of her shoulders. She looked me in the eyes with an expression that started out as sad, but quickly changed into chock.
“HOLY SHIT, it really is you isn’t it?” she almost screamed as she hugged me tighter than she ever had before. She quickly moved away and asked a thousand questions, none of which she gave me time to answer, then she hugged me again and started to cry. “I missed you so much” she said into my shirt when she finally gave me time to explain.


"And the last thing I remember is a bright light and then I woke up as a guy. I can pee everywhere now, I feel like I have superpowers or something." She giggled and stood up. "All this is great, really, but your parents moved to Boston after they sold the house. Are you planning on telling them?" “I would if I thought they would accept me like this and if they didn’t think I was dead, honestly, I think they’ll be better off without me.” She looked at me for a few seconds, grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room. She made me take a shower and while I did it, she got me some of her brother’s old clothes. I got a dark green shirt and some grey sweatpants. I was still quite thin and scrawny and my hair was quite long. I gave myself a very quick not too professional haircut and shaved. I still wanted my hair kind of long, but shorter on the sides. It looked all right, but I had to go to a hairdresser to get it fixed. I put on the clothes and went back into her room.


“You’re back, great, you look less homeless now, but I liked the beard. We have to get you a new wardrobe, a place to stay, a better haircut even though that already looks better, but first of all, you need a new name. Any ideas?” -“Yeah, Felix.” -“Phoenix?” - “No, Fe-lix” - “Oh, good, I thought you went poetic on me with the whole I rose from the ashes and now I’m reborn stuff that’s going on.” “Here” she said as she threw me a black leather jacket. “We’re going shopping.”


She filled me in on the most important things I had missed from the last two years on the way to the shopping street. I had put on my beanie to my hair until we got to the hairdresser. We went in and out of shops all day and I tried tons of different outfits, but I already knew what I wanted. “You also got a bowtie and suspenders? You’re gonna look like a flannel loving version of Matt Healy” “I don’t see how that is a bad thing, so I’m gonna take that as a compliment.” We got to the hairdresser and she fixed my hair in no time. When we were done with all that, we tried to get me some new papers. Since I wasn’t officially dead and I still had the same fingerprints and all that, it was much easier than I had imagined. I just told them that I wanted to change my name to Felix. I had to fill out some papers and the lady told me it would take between 1 and 2 weeks to get all the new papers. Thankfully I had my birth certificate and most of the other old papers digitally and since I now was over 18 my parents didn’t have to know about it.
“Well, Felix, we’ll have to reintroduce you to the guys. Kevin is throwing a party later, should we go?” – “sure, sounds fun.” I put my arm around her and pulled her in a little. “I’ve really missed you, you know” - “yeah, but now I’m back and better than ever.”


We went back to her house to get ready. We told her mom a variation of the truth. We said that the reason she hadn't seen me in two years was that when I told my parents that I was transgender, they kicked me out. We said I had moved in with my grandfather while I got surgery, but when he died, I didn't know where to go. "Oh, Amy, no, Felix" she said as she shook my shoulders a bit. "You can stay here for as long as you want. You can take Danny's room, after he moved out I've been missing a man in the house anyway." "Thank you Mrs. Johnson, thank you so much."


After our heartfelt little conversation, Paige panicked over how much time we had spent talking. She ran into her room and started changing. I put on a white shirt, black suspenders, black skinny jeans, a red chequered bow tie and my new brown shoes. It only took me about seven minutes.
My hair looked fine, so I just walked back to the living room and waited. After ten minutes of waiting I got up and knocked on her door. "Give me a second I'm changing!" I heard from the other side of the door. "Paige I've seen you change a million times" I answered, again with a much lower voice than I expected. "Yeah, but it's different now that you're magically a hot guy!" "Are you sure?" I said as I slowly opened the door. "YES!" She yelled as she basically karate-kicked the door shut again. I sat outside her door laughing until she finally let me in. She looked at me with fake disappointment and I answered with my favourite dumb face. I threw myself onto her bed and started playing with one of the hats that fell down as I did. “Are you done soon? You know you don’t need all that make up right?” -“I just need a few more minutes, jeez! You’ve been a guy for what, a day? Have you already forgotten how long it takes to put on makeup?” -“I was 17 trapped in a body I hated for being feminine, I didn’t really put much effort into making it more feminine if you could believe that.” I put on the little bowler hat and walked up to the mirror next to her. She had curled her hair and clearly made an effort to look pretty. “You look wonderful” I said with the most posh accent I could do. She pushed me away slightly with a little smirk on her face. “Shut up” she said, a bit embarrassed. “Come on, let’s go.” I said as I lifted her up and away from her desk. She resisted at first but gave up and looked up at me. “That hat suits you, you should keep it on.” We put on our jackets and said goodbye to her mom before we walked out to the car.    


We could hear the music from three streets away, and it just got louder and louder as we got closer. I looked at Paige with a surprised look, she said “what?” and looked back with an expression that made it seem like this was the most normal thing in the world. I waited outside while Paige got the guys. Kevin had gotten a lot stronger and had dyed his hair blue. Tyler looked exactly how he did two years ago, which to be honest didn’t really surprise me. The old guitarist Greg had apparently moved to France and quit the band. I could hear them saying “Why can’t you just show us inside”. -“I just can’t okay!” She was never too good at explaining things. As they got closer I stepped away from the car and mentally prepared myself for what their reactions could be. Kevin didn’t recognise me and started to talk to me like I was just some stranger. When Tyler got closer his face went from neutral to confused, to freaked out. “Wait, Amy?! Is that you?” I looked over at Paige. “How come he can recognise me in under 20 seconds when it took you tree minutes and you’re still the one calling me your best friend?” I said with fake rage. I told them the truth. For some reason they seemed totally okay with it. We went inside and danced for almost the entire night. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much fun. I recognised some of the people from school, but most of them I had never seen before. I spent most of the night with Paige and when I wasn't with her I'm pretty sure she never had me out of sight. I talked much more than I used to, I felt normal, like for once I wasn't an outcast, I fit in just like everyone else. The band played a few songs later on at night after most of the people had left. It sounded good, but they really needed a new guitarist.


When everyone but the four of us were left we sat around the bonfire like we used to. Kevin kept looking at me but every time I caught him doing it he would look away. "Isn't it weird" Tyler asked. I looked into the flames for a second. "Actually it's more like a dream come true. This is what I've always wanted and now that I have, it I feel great." "Of course it's gonna take some getting used to, but I'm just happy all the time now." We changed subjects very fast after each other, we made some stupid jokes and I got a guitar from the garage they practised in. They started singing along to some of the old classics and sounded horrible since only really Kevin knew how to sing. They were obviously surprised at how good I actually was. I had never played in front of anyone but Paige and some random strangers who walked past me in the park. And Nina, I can’t forget sweet Nina. They asked me to join the band, and this time I said yes. We sat at the bonfire until Paige literally fell asleep on my lap. She was quite drunk, so I paid for a cab to get us home and left the car. She held her heels in her hand as she tumbled in the door. I helped her get out of her dress and into the oversized t-shirt she always slept in. I put out a glass of water for her to help with the headache she definitely would have tomorrow. She looked so small when she slept, like a tiny baby on fluffy white clouds. I went to sleep knowing tomorrow for once would be good day.


I woke up early and made breakfast for everyone. I knocked on both of their doors and a few minutes later we were all sitting around the little table eating fresh pancakes. I liked cooking, but I only knew a few recipes by heart and this was one of them. I'd noticed Paige had started looking at me differently after the party. Her eyes lit up and she smiled more. "Did you put the water out, Felix?" "Yeah, I thought you might need it." I said with a little smirk after she made a pained face, probably because of the headache. We sat and chatted for a bit. We told Paige's mother about the party and the band. We did the dishes together while we finished the stories.


They both had to go to work, so I had the day to myself. I went to the music store in the south of the town and bought a new guitar. Then I went to the park and tried to write some songs for the band. It went pretty well, I found a nice chord progression and made up a catchy little riff. They had mostly been a cover band and only had very few original songs of their own, but I wanted to change that. I put some lyrics on it and it started to sound pretty good. I finished up the song I was working on. We might have to add some more instruments later, but it sounds great acoustic.


I did the same thing basically all week. I sat in the park and wrote music. Tyler had somehow managed to get us a gig at one of the local bars. We had to perform all night and I wanted us to play our own music. It was about a month away and the rest of the band hadn’t heard any of it yet. I wanted it to be a surprise at the next practice. I could imagine Kevin asking “so, what have you been up to” and I would answer with “oh, you know, I’ve just been writing ten songs” and the face he would make… I looked up and saw a familiar face. “Nina?” “So it is you!” she said quite enthusiastically as she sat down next to me. “It sounded great, what was it?” “Just something I’m working on.” “What are you doing back in town anyway? I thought you moved to the other side of the country.” “I did, but I’ve always loved this town, so I moved back to study.” I didn't really know what to say, so I just kept playing. We sat like that until I had played the full song without making any mistakes. It was pretty good if I could say so myself. "That was really good! How can you just sit down and make that happen?" "I don't know, but if you like it we're playing a show at the new pub next month. You can come if you want." "I'd love to" she said with a smile." We stopped talking and just looked out in the park as I kept playing. Some kids were playing football, a couple was running and we just sat there. Someone called her and she had to go, but she left me her phone number before she left.    


At the next band practice they were all surprised and their reactions were almost exactly how I imagined them. I hadn’t recorded the songs, so I had to perform them all. The others would tell me what they thought and we would discuss ways to improve them. “Honestly, if I have to not only learn the piano parts but also all the lyrics to ten songs in twelve days my head will explode. Would it be okay with you if you could sing too?” Kevin asked. I looked around the room for a second to see if anyone had anything against it. “I guess that would be fine.” I answered. We practised with me as both the singer and the guitarist. The others kept up just fine and it started to sound great.
We practiced a ton in the days leading up to the gig. We were nervous, but we were ready. I looked out at the little crowd of people who had gathered to see us. Nina was there, in the first row. She saw me and waved. I waved back and turned back to the rest of the band. “So, we’ll start out with Leave It Behind, go straight into Those days, play the set like we agreed on yesterday and end it off with Don’t go.” We were starting out with some of the slow songs. People were swaying back and forth and sang along to what they picked up. ♪It was a chance you didn’t take, you turn around but it’s too late, so leave it behind and leave me behind.♪ It was an incredible feeling knowing that it was something we had made and that the few people here were enjoying it. Nina was smiling up at me the whole time. ♪Do you remember those days running from the tides. Do you remember those days it was only you and I.♪ People were dancing and clapping and looked like they were having a great time. We were nearing the end of the set and more people kept coming. Nina was still in the first row smiling and swaying. “That is all we have for you today! I’m Felix, we have Kevin on the keyboard, Tyler on the bass over here and our very own Paige on the drums. You’ve all been amazing and we hope to see you all soon!” We walked off stage with a great big applause. We put our instruments away and got something to drink at the bar. Right after I got my drink Nina came up to us. “Felix, that was amazing! Wasn’t the first song the one you played in the park?” She asked as she gave me a hug. I was a bit surprised but I answered “yeah, it was, I didn’t think you would recognise it with the other instruments and all.”


We talked most of the night. The guys would join in now and again, but Paige kind of avoided us. She didn’t say anything until we got home. “So, how did things go with… what’s her name… Nina?” She said in an annoyed way. “It was good, she’s nice.” I took a glass of water and took my shirt off. It still smelled as bad as after the show. “How was your night? I didn’t really see you.” She rolled her eyes and untangled the braid her hair was in. “I was with Kevin, we danced and got a few drinks.” She sounded weird. I had never heard her talk that way before. I put the glass in the dishwasher, took a shower and went to bed.  


I had left some flyers around town and had managed to get a job at the animal shelter my old friend, Ruby worked at. There wasn’t too much to do, so we spent most of the day talking and playing with the animals. “…she just acted so weird and I don’t know why she would be mad at me. She could have just joined us, I mean, it was her decision, right?” Ruby giggled a bit from her side of the cage. Some of the kittens got distracted by it and ran up to the door to see where the noise came from. “You really have no idea?” I picked one of the youngest kittens and put it in my lab. “No. I just told you, she’s not on her period, so we can’t blame it on hormones.” She opened the door and got in with me. “So you don’t think she could be a little jealous?” I jerked my head up and scared the little kitten in my lab. “No, Mittens come back! Why would she be jealous?” She shook her head and looked at me like I had asked what came after E in the alphabet. “Are you serious? Let me explain. First of all, you’ve been best friends since what? 3rd grade. Second of all you’ve been gone for two years and return as not only a guy, but a pretty good looking guy and no matter what you say, you’re pretty much a dream boyfriend. You know what it feels like to be a girl and yet, you’re a guy.” “Yeah, maybe, but I’m still a geeky, introverted weirdo!” She looked up in ceiling while shaking her head. “For god’s sake, dummy, she loved you before, why wouldn’t she love you now? And before you start to defend yourself, I think we both know you’ve had a crush on her for a looooong time.” I thought about it, but it still seemed weird and very sudden. “Look, Felix. I was there last night. I saw the way she looked at you in the beginning and I saw the hurt in her eyes when she saw you smile and wave down at someone else.” “What? Nina? She’s just my friend! She’s not even single!” She looked straight in to my eyes. “You might say that, but does Paige know?” That’s when I realised how badly I had screwed up. “No. Shit! I have to go, thank you for everything, Ruby!” She shook her head again as I ran out the door.


When I got home Paige was waiting in the kitchen. “Felix, I’m sorry, I know I’ve been acting weird, it’s just…” I walked up to her, pulled her in and kissed her before she could finish the sentence. She kissed me back, but pulled away. “What about Nina?” I reached into my back pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. “This is a picture of her and her girlfriend, Zoie.” I said as I leaned in to kiss her again. This time she didn’t back away. She did the exact opposite. She moved in closer and I could feel her chin on my shoulder as she whispered in my ear. “I love you.” She was standing on her tiptoes. I looked her in the eyes as I said: “I have always loved you and I always will.” She took a shaken little breath and a tear rolled down her cheek. I wiped it away and let her burry her face in my shirt. We just stood there for a moment. I didn’t know for how long and I didn’t care. If it was up to me, we could stand like that forever.      

Red sky

As the sun slowly moved across the autumn sky everything started feeling easier. There was this calming thing about how the movement of a star could create all those beautiful colours. I could see most of the tiny town from the train station. Everything felt small from there. I put on my headphones and blocked out the noise from people around me. This is where everything started and were everything would end. 

Forever Yours

It all started in such a natural, beautiful way. When we saw each other for the first time something clicked and we just knew we would be together. It was the easiest I’ve ever done. I just stared into his eyes and he stared back into mine, he nodded and smiled and that was it. The red and brown leafs flew around my ears when he walked me home. He was my best friend and my boyfriend and we did everything together. He gave me a bracelet with his name on it, and he had one with mine. We spent years of our lives together. I’ll be forever yours, he said. He was my other half. We sat at the fire pit in his garden when he told me. He was leaving. He was one year ahead of me in school and he got a full scholarship for this university in California. We had never been apart for longer than week.  

Then suddenly we were. Too far apart. We tried to keep contact and we did, but we both had to focus on ourselves and I couldn’t leave Maine. The first year was okay, we did everything we could to see each other, we skyped every day, texted, talked on the phone and saw each other every time we had a chance. We had tried so hard but we both had exams and not even close to enough time to spare. We skyped, talked on the phone and texted. We tried. I called, we texted. We grew apart.

We hadn’t talked for almost five months when he showed up at my door. He took my hand and I followed him. He had finished School and wanted to celebrate. We went out to our favorite restaurant and got some great food and a few drinks. We tried, we really did. Forever yours. He looked down at my wrist, the before black letters had faded only the white pearls were back. I looked at his wrist. Nothing. The precious memories replaced by a watch.

That’s how I knew.

I stayed for a few hours celebrating with him and some of the friends he invited over. I left. I ran home crying over what I knew I had lost months ago. He had changed, I had changed, we had changed. The spark was gone. It was like the guy I loved was replaced by a cheap copy. Like when a goldfish dies and the parents go out and buys a new one hoping the kid won’t notice. But of cause I noticed, how couldn’t I? I looked into his eyes and saw nothing.

A few days later, I sat him down. The fire pit was almost covered by leafs, but it didn’t take long before we got a fire started. I held his hand, but quickly let I go, now wasn’t the time to get too comfy. This time he wore the bracelet too. He started talking before I could. Sorry, he said. My eyes started tearing up. For what? I asked. “For lying.” “I can’t be forever yours and it hurts to say it, but I think we’ll be better off.” I nodded and held his hand again. We both knew there was nothing left to do, so we just sat there, looking into the flames. We didn’t want to say goodbye, cause we knew that would be the last thing we ever said to each other. Instead, when the flames burned out he kissed my forehead looked me into the eyes and said. I can’t go back to the way I was, before we were us, before I was me, before we were happier than I’ve ever been or than you’ll ever see, but that’s the way it has to be.

He held my hand tighter and I smiled my final smile. Then the heart monitor said the final beep. He had tears in his eyes when he left the bed. He has an amazing life ahead of him.        

I have trouble letting go. At least I don’t have to let anything go ever again.

Forever yours. 

Stay

It all happened so suddenly. We were driving to our special spot near the water. We had been together for five years and six months. The best years of my life. I had just moved into town. I was “The New Kid”. I wouldn’t say I was popular at my old school, but usually people knew who I was. I liked my old school but I had to move. My dad left when I was just a baby, so I never really got to know him. I was brought up by a single mother, my siblings had moved out long ago and our closest neighbour lived almost a mile away. I would say I was a good kid, the isolation definitely made sure I didn’t get into much trouble. I spent most of my time reading or exploring the woods surrounding our house. A lot of kids at my old school were like that, or at least kind of like that. It made it easy to fit in, everyone had something in common. I was almost sure that I was going to stick out at the new school. My mom had died of lung cancer, so I had to move in with my aunt and uncle who I had never really talked to before. A new, now orphaned kid who used to be isolated trying to fit into a highschool in the middle of a big city. Sure. No problem at all.

I had planned the date for weeks. I always planned ahead. I loved making a big deal out of our dates, creating just the right atmosphere to fit the date I was hoping for. My mum used to tell me I was way too romantic for my generation and that a lot of people my age would just share a cheeseburger by a lit candle and call it romantic. I could, but where’s the fun in that? I think preparing a date is almost as fun as the date itself. I’m more of a guy who likes to buy champagne and make her favourite food. Today I was finally going to pop the question. I was going to go down on one knee, I was going to ask her to marry me at sunset, she would say yes and we would live a happy life, buy a great big house and maybe even become parents if the time was right.

He did this a lot. He took my hand, looked at me and smiled with that crooked smile. He always planed the most perfect dates; sometimes I wondered how he did it. Once we were drinking coffee in the park, then one of his friends walked up to us with his guitar, started playing and suddenly his band played our song. When the song was over, he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. What could I say other than yes? He made me feel like a princess. He had always been there for me, right from the start.
When he first walked into my highschool, it was in the middle of my senior year. These two guys were picking on me; they had been doing it for years. I was pretty much all alone and I knew, if I tried to stop them, they would just hit harder the next time. Will simply walked up to them, punched them both in the face, grabbed my hand and told them to pick on someone their own size. That was the last time I was bullied.


I told her I had a surprise for our anniversary. I liked to celebrate the half-year anniversaries as well. It gave me an excuse to go a little over the top with all the romantic stuff. She smiled and her big blue eyes glowed with joy. Without asking any more questions, she jumped on the back of my motorcycle and we drove off. We turned on the stereo and it played her favourite song. She held on a little tighter to my jacket, leaned in, and kissed me on the back of my neck. She knew I loved when she did it.


I hugged him tightly and buried my face in his jacket. The wind blew through my hair making it go everywhere. It made me feel free, as if it blew away all my worries and left this feeling of sheer joy. I loved that feeling; I would never get it if I wore a helmet. I have tried but it was never the same. I would never feel the wind on my face or get tears in my eyes because of it. All I would get was the cold feeling on my skin. That is the one and only reason I don't wear a helmet.


She sang along to the music and I did the same. The sky slowly started to change colour. Orange, pink and purple started to spread. It was exactly what I was hoping for. We were only a few minutes away. Two of my friends had already prepared a blanket and some candles on the spot we always go. The only thing missing was us. We looked at the sky in wonder, so when we realised what was happening it was already too late. The truck hit us like bolt of lightning. We were in one of the blind spots truck drivers always were warned about. The driver hardly noticed us before he hit us. I did what I could to protect her, but she never wore a helmet. The last thing I saw was her lifeless body lying in my arms and the truck driving away as if nothing had happened.


When I looked around, I saw an unfamiliar room. My parents were sitting next to the bed I was laying in and next to them were two strangers I guessed were doctors or nurses. They started asking me questions like “do you know where you are?” and “do you remember what happened?” I answered no to both questions. How would I know? After a few more questions, they concluded that I had amnesia.



On top of the great news, I also had a broken leg and the only reason I couldn’t feel it was because I was still numb after the surgery they had to do to fix my hip. Let’s just say, this was not one of my best days. My life in general was just not the best. I beat cancer when I four, was bullied all the way through highschool, have a depression and am a little suicidal. Or at least that’s how I remembered it. I couldn’t remember much of anything from the last maybe six years. The last thing I really remembered was finding this unique spot by a huge bridge. The view from the top was amazing, it was right above a beautiful beach, the perfect place to watch the sun go down. I remembered sitting close to the edge and drawing everything I saw. Drawing was one of the best parts of my life. Drawing and photography. I’m pretty sure I would have taken pictures of it if I hadn’t forgotten my camera.




I woke up in a hospital bed five hours later. My left arm was broken and I had minor wounds but apart from that, I felt fine. When I opened my eyes, the first thing I looked for was her, but she wasn't there. I started to panic, where was she? Was she... dead? No, she couldn't be. The nurse must have seen my panicked face 'cause she quickly said: she is the next room, unconscious. "Is she okay?" I asked. "She'll live, but I'm not sure under what circumstances," she answered. It broke my heart. "Can I see her?" I asked. "Okay" she answered. Another nurse met me at the door. He told me she had a bad case of amnesia and quite a few broken bones.
I gave myself a minute to take it all in but then I went into her room. She was sleeping with her mum on the right side of the bed and her dad on the left. Her mum looked up with relief. "Thank god you're okay" she said. I gave her a quick smile and sat down next to her. I looked at the hospital bed and the girl lying in it. She looked so small and helpless that it hurt to look at her. She was still beautiful, though. With her long auburn hair and her sweet little nose. I loved her so much, and I knew I always would. I had sat in her room for a little more than 45 minutes when she started to wake up. I had fallen asleep in a couch in the corner but I woke up when I heard her move.



I couldn’t sleep. I had been laying down with closed eyes, sincerely trying to sleep, but the numbness was gone and I could definitely feel my broken leg now. I had talked to my parents about this whole thing, they had shown me pictures of me as a kid and had asked if I remembered the different scenarios, I was in in the pictures. I could still remember my childhood. Both my parents and the doctors told me that it was a good sign. I really wanted to remember. Especially because my mom had told me, I had been a lot happier the last few years. Great! I guess I was a little less suicidal. No, but it really sucked to know I had finally been happy for a while and then not being able to remember any of it.




When she woke up, she took her mother’s hand; squeezed it very tightly and asked how long she slept? "Only an hour, honey" her mom answered. I stood up from the chair and walked towards her. She stared at me with her big, blue eyes, but she didn't look at me the way she used to. "Good morning, Alaska. Are you feeling any better?" I asked. She didn't answer, she just looked from me to her parents until she said I'm sorry, but who are you?
She didn't remember me. It hurt to know she could just forget me like that. All the good times we had, all the wonderful memories. Gone. That's Will, honey. Don't you know him? "Uhm... Isn't he the guy who moved in the house next door?
Well yes, dear. Is that all you know?
"Was I supposed to know more?" "He works in a garage" ... "He fixed your car at one point." I did. Over five years ago. I had stopped working at the garage and tried to focus on my writing. At least she remembered something, but either way I was basically a stranger to her.





Right when I sat up, this (to be honest, pretty handsome looking) guy walked right up to my bed and asked me how I was feeling. I was shocked he even knew my name, guys like him would never even look at me in the past and then that dude was just sitting there like it was the most normal thing ever. I didn’t really remember him, but I recognised his face. I remembered he had fixed my mum’s car, but that must have been a long time ago. I felt sorry for him. He looked at me like I meant a lot to him, but I didn’t know a single thing about him.


I couldn't take it, so I left. I stayed in my room because the doctors told me to. I just wanted to go home. I couldn’t get her out of my mind, the crash didn’t bother me that much. My motorcycle was a total wreck, but the insurance would pay for it, so I didn’t mind. I had the same thing playing in my mind for hours; it lasted less than ten seconds. I held onto her, tried to jump and got hit. I looked her in the eyes when it was happening. She was shocked, scared and sad all at the same time. I closed my eyes when we hit the ground. When I opened my eyes her lifeless body was lying in my arms, blood ran down from a wound on her head and her hip looked crushed. The last thing I remember seeing was the pain in her face and the tears from her eyes.
Almost a week later, the doctors told me it was safe for me to go home. I tried to stop thinking about her, but it was impossible. She was everywhere the place felt so empty without her. I could see her sitting in leather chair with a book and a cup of coffee. I could smell her skin in the bed. I could hear her humming to herself while she was cleaning the house, but she wasn’t there. We had lived together for two years, but her parents had moved most of her stuff back in her old room at their house because of her amnesia.


I couldn't really do anything. I tried to stay busy, but the news must have spread because I kept getting texts every five minutes asking if I was okay or if I needed help or anything. You never know how many friends you have until you almost die. I kept looking at pictures of us, of her mostly.
My brother had taken care of our cat while I was at the hospital. He was happy to see me and I was happy to see him. She named him Nutella because of his colour. He was still a kitten, about 12 weeks old. I had thought of bringing him, or at least pictures of him to the hospital to help her get some memories back.
He reminded me of her. A little furry ball of joy. Just like her. Except for the furry ball part. Looking at him made me think of her, not looking at him made me think of her, everything made me think of her. I missed her so much.
I visited her a few times, but only when she was sleeping. I had to see her, but the doctors told me not to see her too much before she could remember a little more of the past few years. I brought her flowers every time I visited, white lilies, her favourite.
Her parents told me she was getting better. It didn't hurt anymore. The only thing she complained about was the itching under her casts.


I opened my eyes and looked up in the bright light above my bed. There was nothing new. My mom had left me a couple of books. I started reading them and I really liked them, which surprised me because I don’t remember being much of a reader. Most of them were by the same author, William B. Young. They varied from love stories to deep philosophical thoughts about life. One of them was about a man who had eye cancer, he lost his eyes and had to get used to life without visuals. He was depressed most of the first year, but he fell in love with music, got married to a pianist who loved him dearly and brought joy back to his life. It was a heart-warming story that made me wonder if I would ever experience something like it.

Sometimes I woke up to a mysterious bouquet of white lilies. At first, I thought it was my mom, but when I asked her about them she told me, they weren’t from her. Maybe I was not all alone in my forgotten life.

I did what I could to forget, to push her out of my mind, just for a second. I cooked meals I’d never heard of, read some of my favourite books to calm down, I went running and I wrote. I think I wrote more those weeks than I’d written in a year. I made up a story about a guy in a situation a little too much like my own, but in this one all he had to do was look her in the eyes and say “I love you” and then she remembered everything and they lived a happy life with no worries. I wish that would be my reality.

My friend/manager Aiden visited me a lot. He read a lot of what I had written and told me to keep on writing. He knew he couldn’t help me to get her out of my mind. I had to do it alone. He knew I liked to deal with my problems by writing about them, and when times were tough I liked to rewrite my life to make it have a better ending. Sometimes it was depressing coming back to the real world, other times it was like the weight of the world fell of my shoulders and I knew exactly what I needed to do to make everything right again. This time was not one of those times. I had no idea of what to do, I had done my research and I knew she had to get her memories back piece by piece and not have them served on a silver platter. I couldn’t see her that often and when I did, I couldn’t tell her the truth. The only thing I could do was to start over.



The hospital felt really lonely when my mom left. She had to work, she couldn’t just keep me company all day. I knew and I understood but I couldn’t help but feel lonely, left behind and a little hurt. I had overheard a conversation between my dad and one of the nurses. He said that it was a little ironic that it happened now, when everything was going my way. Both my mom and my dad kept talking about my life like some miracle had happened and everything suddenly was great. I really wanted to believe them, but the only memories I had gotten back were about school, and the only reason I remembered them was that my mom told me to read some of my old school books. I didn’t have a lot to do. I was getting sick of drawing lilies and if I read any more today, my head would explode. The doctors and nurses told me that reading could help me get my memories back, but since my head was still pretty screwed I could only read for about an hour a day. My mom had read to me a lot. She started reading a new book by William B. Young. I definitely understood why I had so many books by him. The stories seemed familiar and the way he wrote calmed me down.

I turned around and stared into the bouquet of lilies. The pain meds for my head were starting to work. I finally felt comfortable. With the words as a lullaby, I slowly fell asleep.

I was getting better at keeping her out of my head. Aiden had let me stay at his house for a while. It had been moths since the accident and she still didn’t remember me. Not even a little bit. The doctors had warned me about this. They told me to try to get over her, because even if she got her memories back, time would have passed and she might not feel the same. It was easier said than done. An old man once told me: “Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you’ve never met.” I guess we were kind of stuck in the same boat.

Aiden helped me write. He came up with ideas and little things to make the story a little less depressing. After these almost 6 months we’d finished the book, made my trusty friend, Ella, read and approve it AND send it to my publisher. Now I just had to wait for the publisher to read it and hopefully publish it. Not that they had ever turned any of my books down, they were a little company with only five people working there. The manager, Ryan, was one of my best friends and one of my biggest fans. I was properly his biggest fan too. He read more than he wrote, but when he did, everything he wrote was amazing. It was honest, funny, touching and well, amazing.

I was beginning to act more normal, getting better at going out and being able to smile again. I mostly went out with Aiden and or Ella, they were good company and they made me feel like everything was going to be just fine. It felt great. I still got updates from Alaska’s parents but I had stopped seeing her. If I was ever going to get over her, I had to start somewhere.



The doctors described me as “physically healthy, mentally sick.” I hadn’t been allowed to leave the hospital for 3.5 months and now it was okay for me to go home. Things at home hadn’t changed that much so the first 3 months seemed fairly normal. Some of my memories had come back just by looking around my room. I remembered hanging up some pictures with my best (and only) friend Riley and scribbling the lyrics of our favourite song in between them. Riley had visited me a couple of times while I was still at the hospital. She had told me stories about the things we had done the past few years and I was even able to remember some of them. She also told me about Will. He had moved in next door and we had apparently gotten pretty close. When she talked about him, she only said vague things and mostly talked about his personality and the things he had done, not how he looked.

He didn’t live next door anymore, so I couldn’t just look out the window and find out. I wanted to remember him and find out how close we really were.

I gathered all the information I had. 1. He used to be my neighbour. 2. He is not anymore. 3. His name is Will. 4. We were close. 5. Uhm… 5… Four things in total, not the best sign. I needed to know more, so I used the best method I knew. I asked my mom. When I said his name, her face lit up like a Christmas tree. She showed me a picture of him. When I saw him, I recognized him as the guy who visited me in the hospital the first day, the guy who once fixed my mom’s car. That gave me a couple more things to add to my list. 5. He knows how to fix cars. 6. He was one of the first people who knew about the accident. 7. He was handsome. He had this choppy, curly, dark blond hair. His eyes were brown and he had a charming little crooked smile. I knew that smile. I had seen it in dreams and now, I knew it was his.



Today was a going to be a good day. I could feel it the second I woke up, the sun was shining, the birds were singing and at that point, I wasn’t thinking about her anymore. I tried to act like it was just a normal breakup, just without the awkward moments when you see them public and don't know weather to say hi or not. Don’t get me wrong, it was never easy to let her go, but I had to. I couldn’t waste my life loving someone who didn’t remember anything from the last few years we had had together. It was tough but I lived through it. Everything else in my life was going great. One of my artist friends had sent me her beautiful artwork for the cover of my book. The publishers already had some copies of my book ready, I just liked to frame the original artwork and put it up in my office for inspiration. The little wall was starting to fill up. I didn’t just hang up artwork, I used that wall for accomplishments like my highschool degree and stuff like that. I didn’t go to a university. I had the money but I didn’t really need to further my education to be a writer. I already had a good puplisher and a couple of books that didn’t sell that bad. The newest one was a bit of a risk. It was very far from most of the other things I’ve written and I wasn’t sure my fans were going to like it. All I could do was cross my fingers and hope for the best.



I was stuck in the past. Literally. The world hadn’t changed much so it didn’t take me long to get updated, all I had to do was read and watch the news a little more than I used to. I tried to stay positive and tried to find good things about this bad situation. The best thing I could come up with was all the “new” music my favourite bands had made these last five years. Another good thing was the memories the music brought back, many of them had him in them.

We had been doing things I had only dreamed about, like holding hands and laughing and singing along to the music and, and, and. He kissed me. Not just a peck on the cheek like you would get from your grandmother. He kissed me like he meant it. Like it was the most natural thing ever, like he really loved me. I started crying. I ran out the door to try to find the hill by the huge bridge. It started raining but I kept running. I had left him alone for more than 7 months, not even thinking about him once before now. I must have broken his heart. Without even knowing, I could have nearly killed him. I ran beside a big road and could see the top of what could only be the bridge. The surroundings started to feel familiar. I got closer and closer to the bridge. I got to an intersection and had the most horrible memory. The accident. No one ever told me what had happened, but now I knew. I remembered having the wonderful feeling of euphoria replaced with sheer horror in less than a second. It was a truck, and I wasn’t wearing a helmet. He had held me tightly as he jumped off the motorcycle, trying to escape the truck, but it was too late. It hit the motorcycle first, then us. He had done everything he could and the last thing I remembered seeing was the tears streaming down his face. That’s why he knew about the accident, he was there. I’m pretty sure I fainted on the side of the road. All I knew was that the next morning I woke up in my bed feeling horrible, not knowing how I got there.



The book was written, published and sold. It had only been out for a few weeks but it had already sold more copies than all my other books combined. Today I was doing my first book signing for the new book. But first, I was being interviewed for the local newspaper. This was the peak of my career so far. The interview wasn’t that long. “How did you get the idea of writing his story?” –It was a rewriting of an accident I was in a little more than half a year ago. “A rewriting?”, “how did you deal with such a traumatic experience?”, “are you back together?” The questions were more about me than about my book. I answered most of them briefly but precisely. I had tried to get over her, but being almost forced into thinking about her did NOT help. The book singing was great though. Most of the people were between 14 and 25 but I also had quite a lot of people older than that and even a few were younger. So many happy faces gathered here because of my little book. At the beginning, I was writing little personal notes but the queue was getting longer and longer so I had to just write my name. It was going great until Alaska’s mom showed up. I had just smiled and signed the book but then she told me that Alaska had started getting memories back and that she was feeling better. It made me happy and sad at the same time. I still hadn’t heard from her, did she remember me? I properly looked really weird and concerned for about 30 seconds after her mom had left, but I shook it off and kept signing.

When I was done, Aiden had planned a party to celebrate. He had done a great job, everything seemed right. He had ordered great food, played great music, held a great speech and had put decorations up in the same colours as the front page of the book. He had invited all my friends (except Alaska) and we all had a blast. I tried to talk to everyone but I ended up spending most of the night with Ella. We danced and talked and after a couple of hours, we were getting pretty drunk. We escaped the dance floor and walked outside. We sat down in the grass. She was wearing my blazer because she was freezing. She moved closer and I put my arm around her to make her feel a little warmer. She giggled a little and put her head on my shoulder. We sat like this for while, having drunken conversations. Suddenly she jerked her head up, smiled and before I knew what was happening, leaned in and kissed me. I was shocked and backed of saying “I’m so sorry” almost 500 times. I had never thought of her that way, but she clearly had. I didn’t know how to react, so I just acted like nothing had happened and went home. I liked her, but her kiss reminded me of Alaska. I realised no matter how hard I tried, I would never be able to get over her.



I wasn’t sick anymore. I had fainted, but my mom found me shortly after I did. She had driven after me when she saw I wasn’t in my room. She had carried me into the car and driven us home again. My dad came out and helped carry me back to my room. 
Today was my birthday so my parents woke me up with a cup of tea and a present. I smiled and opened it. It was a signed copy of the latest book by William B. Young. I turned it around and read on the back of it. “When Wayne first saw Amber, it was love at first sight. They had spent all their time together and loved every second. But then something terrible happened, they got in a car accident and Amber woke up not knowing who he was.” At that moment something clicked in my mind, everything came back together. Will was short for William. I finished the book the same day I got it. It was based on a true story. It was based on us. I cried almost the whole way through. I  now saw what happened through his eyes. I could read what it was like to be left alone with a broken heart. The second I was done reading everything about us came back to me. And when I said everything, I meant EVERYTHING. The day we first met, the day we first kissed, everything. In the book, Amber never got her memories back and it took Wayne years to get over her. He dated another girl but he could never love her as much as he loved Amber. I didn’t want our story to end like that; I had to change it.

I changed in to the dress I had worn the first time he said he loved me, brushed my hair and ran out the door again. I took the train to his little house like I had done so many times before. I hesitated a little before knocking on his door, but I had to do this.

I was on the phone with Aiden and then someone knocked on my door. I told him I would call him back after I had checked who it was. When I opened the door, Alaska looked up at me.

I looked him in eyes and said; William, I’m so sorry, I love you.

I leaned in and kissed her with all I had. “I love you too, and I always have”



I moved back in a few days later. We have never been more in love. I thought back to what my life used to be like and how much my life had changed since I met him. He is the only one for me, no one can tell me any different. My parents are so proud of us and the things we have been through. We moved all my things back in and he showed me back to my little art studio next to his office. I had forgotten all about my job. I had showed him some of my sketches and he had encouraged me to follow my dreams to become an artist. So I have. I'm not as known as he is, but I'm getting there. He has always been supportive; he even used one of my drawings as the front page of his fist book. I would never leave him again.




It was a miracle. She was back, and she was here to stay. We had been back together for 6 months now. I had found a new spot. It was in a tiny clearing with a hill in a forest near the harbour. If you sat on top of the hill you could see all the boats and the people, but they couldn’t see you. I knew she was going to love it. She climbed in beside me in the new car I bought for the money I had earned for my bestselling book. I had the ring in my pocket. Today was going to be the day. I took the basket of food out of the car and she took the blanket. I held her hand and led her to the hill. I told her to close her eyes when we were almost there. I held my arm around her waist and led her closer and closer. She giggled, smiled, and kept following me. When we got to the top, I told her to open her eyes back up. When she saw it she jumped with joy saying “Will, It’s perfect!” I spread out the blanket and started serving the food.

The food was delicious, the view was amazing but what made everything better was her. I loved her so much. We had been talking for hours and I knew that now was the perfect moment. I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me.

He looked up at me with his beautiful brown eyes, a little nervous, which just made it better. My eyes were tearing up and I was speechless, I nodded and said yes. He put the beautiful ring on my finger, hugged me tightly and kissed me. He would always be mine and I would always be his. We were going to spend the rest of our lives together and I couldn’t be happier about it.


We spent the rest of the night talking about nothing and everything. We were lying on our backs looking at the stars. I had done it, she was no longer my girlfriend, she was my fiancée. It felt like the stars were shining a little bit brighter just for us. I pulled her a little closer and kissed her on the forehead. She rested her head on my shoulder and closed her eyes. I started making up stories about the stars and kept talking until she fell asleep. I stared at the full moon, taking in the light. I only had one thought in my head. She said “yes”.



We didn’t have a big wedding. The only family Will had was his two brothers and their wives. None of them had children. We were only about 40 people and most of them were our friends. It was a wonderful night, Will’s friend’s band played music almost the whole night and everyone looked like they were having a good time. We had ordered great food and great wine. And since Will had planned out most of the decorations, the place looked beautiful. He held an amazing speech and so did I if I could say so myself. It was really a perfect night I couldn’t describe it any better.


When the reception was over, we drove home and I carried her over the doorstep like they always do in the movies. She looked so beautiful in her long white wedding dress. I put her down and kissed her again. Her eye shadow was a little smeared but she still looked gorgeous. She always did. We talked for a while as we always do, then when it got late we went into the bedroom.



We have been married for three years today. We are sitting in the bed with our little son, Adam. He has just turned two a little more than a month ago. He is already so big. William has made us all tea and we’re just sitting here listening to whatever Adam is trying to say, nodding and smiling. William leans in and kisses my cheek. It is getting a little crowded since I am already 7 months in with the next one. It is going to be a little girl. We have already decided what to name her: Lilly.

Just like the ones we saw in Amsterdam on our honeymoon and the ones by the hospital bed when I had amnesia. We are not just a couple anymore; we are a family. Will is a great father. He has taught Adam many useful things, like the alphabet and how to count. He has also taught him some less useful things like hiding my keys under the table, making it impossible for me to reach them. I’m so proud of my little family.




I sat in my black leather chair one afternoon watching them play in the garden. Adam was chasing the cat and Will made sure none of them got hurt.


I used to hate my life, not seeing the point of living and not wanting to wake up in the mornings. My life used to be filled with pain and anger, but he had changed it. I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t met him. William Blaine Young, my hero. He had saved my life without even knowing and I hoped I’d been saving his too.




This story is for Meliese, Hasan and Nathalie who have inspired me to keep on writing and to share what I've written with other people. If it weren't for you I would have never done this, and I would never have started to write this at all.